Front page Archive Why Arlen? Arlen is the TV home of "King of the Hill." It's a small conservative town that is threatened with ruination on a regular basis by twig boys, enviro wackos, diversity nuts, "PC" police and other ivory tower liberals. I like to think of Arlen as a metaphor for this here great nation of ours.

Friday, December 31, 2004 Posted 10:54 AM by Hank SO MUCH FOR "SUPPORT THE TROOPS, NOT THE WAR" Today's Ithaca Journal has a letter to the editor from Miriam Rice, supporting terrorist attacks on U.S. soldiers: If the United States is ever invaded and occupied by a more powerful country ... it is likely that Americans will fight back in self-defense. Should this happen, will [the media] call those who fight to defend the independence of the United States "rebels" and "insurgents?" I don't think so. And yet that is exactly how it and other media refer to Iraqi citizens fighting to regain control of their country after an unprovoked attack by the United States. I find these words not only inaccurate but morally offensive. Were the U.S. Army not in Iraq, these people would not be fighting us. It would be more suitable to refer to them as "the Iraqi resistance." Speaking of "more suitable," perhaps it would be more suitable to refer to Ms. Rice as "Baghdad Miriam"....or even "evil, traitorous skank"? Saturday, December 25, 2004 Posted 11:27 AM by Hank HOLLYWOOD: THE REAL "GRINCHES" I'm sitting here, with the wife and kids, being subjected to the festering sore of a movie that is the Ron Howard/Jim Carrey version of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Without a doubt, this is the worst Christmas movie of all time...worse than "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"...worse than "Jingle all the Way"...in fact it's worse than all twenty-four hours of the twenty-four hour "Jingle All the Way" marathon on FX. This movie is the worst because it is terrible on many levels, small and large. First off, it is loud, noisy and deliberately disjointed in the way that too many written by committee Hollywood "blockbusters" are produced. And, like most of those Christmas blockbusters it hypocritically condemns commercialism while spawning a marketing bonanza of toys, greeting cards and plastic shot glasses. However, what sets it apart, and below, other failed big budget Christmas movies, like "Scrooged," is the way it completely and totally inverts and perverts the whole point of one of the most beloved Christmas stories of all time, be it the original book by Dr. Suess or cartoon by Chuck Jones. In the original story, which we should all know, "every Who down in Whoville loved Christmas a lot." And, as the ending makes abundantly clear, the Whos love Christmas for spiritual reasons: for love, for family, for all the reasons we want people to appreciate the holiday. The Grinch, however, hates Christmas for reasons that boil down to his heart being "two sizes too small." Ultimately, however, after stealing the toys, the decorations, the food, etc., the Grinch sees that the Whos care more about holding hands and singing the praises of the day than they do about the trappings of the day. In short, his contact with the devout Whos, and the example they set, makes the Grinch realize how empty his life is. And, in the end, the Grinch himself converts to the Who way of thinking. Of course, modern day Hollywood could have none of that. So they had to reverse the whole point of the original story. In the Howard/Carrey film, the Whos are a bunch of pious hypocrites, more concerned with toys and noise that the true meaning of the season. The Grinch, meanwhile, was the victim of their prejudice because he was different, making him hate the holidays. Ultimately, the poor, picked upon, Grinch by an act of, basically, terrorism (stealing half the town and blowing things up by crashing his flying vehicle into the city) makes the Whos realize what a bunch of selfish, uncaring, SOB's that religious people can be. Then, with the Whos realizing the error of their ways, and celebrating diversity by embracing the Grinch and his "alternate" views, our furry green hero can successfully re-enter the more enlightened society. In short, the producers of the film made a Christmas film that is nothing more than a cinematic attack on Christianity. Talk about trying to "steal" Christmas. By turning a Christmas classic into an attack on the "reason for the season," these studio executives show they are really the ones who have hearts--and brains--that are at least "two sizes too small." Friday, December 24, 2004 Posted 8:36 AM by Hank GOTTA LOVE CAPITALISM The Associated Press reports on a Portland, Oregon, man who rents live Christmas trees to people who don't want to have to kill a tree: The Original Living Christmas Tree Company founded by John Fogel, 39, has rented out more than 400 Christmas trees this holiday season, starting at $55 for a 7-foot Douglas fir. The trees are taken out of the ground, roots and all, put into pots, and delivered to families in the Portland area. Soon after New Year's, Fogel and his crew pick up the trees and deliver them to parks, school districts and other groups who pay around $10 to have the trees planted on their property. A quick check on prices reveals that it doesn't cost much more in some instances to buy an artificial tree that someone could use year after year for the price of this one-shot tree. Obviously, however, some people prefer the "real thing," especially one that is still alive, and Fogel is apparently filling the need. Proving that, once again, the free market solves problems just fine. Saturday, December 18, 2004 Posted 4:01 PM by Hank THE MOST GAYEST REINDEER OF ALL...? Think about it: Rudolph is born different. His macho father can't accept it. He even tries to get Rudolph to "stop" having a shiny red nose. His mother is more understanding, but unwilling to stand up for her son against society and her husband. She is reduced, somewhat, to half hearted attempts at chiding Rudolph's father and getting Rudolph interested in "does," such as Clarice, the girl next door: Rudolph gets ostracized from others at "school" (reindeer games) for his differences and his inability at traditional male activities. Eventually, he ends up with only one friend: Herme (short for "Hermes," aka "Eros," aka the God of Love) a mincing elf who couldn't be gayer if played by Paul Lynde. The two decide to go off together, realizing that they are "different" and don't fit in to the "traditional" society. Rudolph, in leaving, also leaves behind, in essence rejecting, the doe. In their travels, they are menanced by a giant "man eater", the Bumble, whose mouth looks like a vagina with teeth. In their efforts to avoid being trapped by the vagina, Rudolph and Herme join up with, Yukon Cornelius, a middle aged, single, man with a lot of dogs, who looks like a reject from "the Village People." Yukon and his two young male friends end up on an island surrounded by a firey glow (Fire Island was a popular gay community in the 60s). There, they meet others like them, most notably a clown who WAS as gay as Paul Lynde, a pink spotted elephant and a doll who had no discernable "defect" unless she was a lesbian. (And dont get me started that the "king" of island was basically a "fairy lion" named, get this, "King MOONracer"...they might as well have named him "King Butt Pirate") However, eventually, Rudolph realizes that he wants to stand up and be himself at home (ie, come out of the closet). Before entering society, however. He finds out that he needs to confront to his family (again, the first step in his coming out). However, he finds out that his family is still embracing the female doe and, in fact, have been captured by the giant vagina. Rudolph tries to put up a fight. However, it looks lost until... ...the mincing elf and the reject from the Village People appear and defeat the vagina for him! So, with the giant vagina defeated, Rudolph heads home to apologies ..and a noticably chaste relationship with the Clarice) In fact, if you watch the cartoon carefully, Rudolph's nose doesn't throb and glow around the does: But does around the males: Then, who should show up but the mincing elf, the reject from the village people, and the now-defanged vagina, who wants a job "erecting" Christmas trees: Finally, even Santa comes to accept his latent homosexuality. For the entire special, he was thin and cranky and wore earth tones. But, at the end, after accepting Rudolph: He immediately swelled up and his hat stood up straight...and his first stop was to the firey island with Rudolph to introduce the other "misfits" back into society. And off they go, with Rudolph in the lead, with eight other reindeer and Santa "riding his tale"... As they go down in gay cinema historee.... Friday, December 17, 2004 Posted 8:16 AM by Hank NO PUN INTENDED, I HOPE The Auburn, NY, Citizen, heaps praise on a new "domestic violence court" recently instituted in the city: The new court will hear all domestic violence matters, ranging from misdemeanors to felonies. Judge Mark Fandrich will preside, and costs for the first two years will be covered by a $302,000 grant from the U.S. Justice Department's office on violence against women. All of which is well and good. However, maybe the newspaper, in its headline, shouldn't have referred to the new court as a "HIT"...? Tuesday, December 14, 2004 Posted 5:27 AM by Hank OH YEAAHHH....(MORE TALES FROM THE "CITY OF EVIL") Two items appeared on the same day last week in the local paper of Ithaca, the City of Evil: The first was yet another letter from a conspiracy minded Ithaca resident, disgruntled over the election. The writer used, as proof Bush "stole" Ohio, the fact he (the letter writer) didn't get a receipt when he voted. Never mind the fact that Ithaca is in New York, which Kerry won. In the second item, local police charged a woman with stealing 288 packets of Kool-Aid. Is there a connection? Probably not. But it sures looks like they really are just a bunch of Kool Aid drinking liberals after the last election... Thursday, December 02, 2004 Posted 5:54 AM by Hank AND TO THINK HE WANTS TO BE U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL... News reports indicate that one of the figures in the growing "Oil for Food" scandal at the United Nations is former fugitive Marc Rich: Rich is suspected of having become one of Saddam Hussein's middlemen in Iraq's illegal oil trade...Rich... and several other prominent oil traders are suspected of making illegal kickbacks to Iraq to win the lucrative oil contracts...The UN program was set up in 1996 to help Iraqis get food, medicine and other items that had been scarce under sanctions imposed after the 1991 Persian Gulf War. But investigators say Saddam realized more than $21billion under the program through kickbacks and other scams. Rich, you might recall, is an ex-fugitive because he was pardoned by President Clinton, after his ex-wife, Denise, "raised and donated more than $1 million to the Democratic Party in recent years and also provided the Clintons directly with a $10,000 contribution to their legal defense fund and $7,300 worth of furniture." Try to remember this in four years, when Hillary runs on a platform of bringing "accountability" back to the White House. Home